When is it all right to be pushy?

OF SHOPPING CARTS AND THOSE WHO PUSH THEM

Fae shopping cart

Today's etiquette question involves the ubiquitous shopping cart blockade. What do you do when a shopping cart is smack dab in your way, blocking either transit or shelves — more than likely, the exact spot on the shelf that you need?

We're going to approach this one with a few scenarios in mind:

The cart captain is with her cart and oblivious to your existence 
This scenario affords more than one possible solution. If it is a matter of needing to move past the cart to further your aisle journey, you may either take a circuitous route, provided there is some sort of center display you can maneuver around, or you may simply, sweetly say something along the lines of, "Hi there! Do you mind if I sneak past you? Thanks so much." That works for me every time.

If the person is mindlessly perusing the shelves to the point of appearing frozen in indecision, and you need the thing right in front of their chest, you may want to muster your warmest smile and say something like, "Excuse me, do you mind if I grab something real quick? Thank you!"*flash sincere smile*. This approach has enjoyed a perfect track record as well.

The cart possessor is with his cart and engaged in conversation, either on his cell phone or in person with another customer or store employee
The most cowardly approach ... the one I advocate ... is to try to catch the eye of the person the cart-bearer is talking to. If you act inept and helpless, looking around fruitlessly for a method of egress, this other party will take pity on you and tell the cart driver what's up. If the cart driver is whooping it up on the phone, just say, "Excuse me" as often and increasingly loudly as you need to in order to get the phoner's attention. This individual has already broken a rule of social etiquette by being on the phone in a public place, so you needn't worry about treading lightly in this case.

The cart owner is nowhere to be found ... and has perhaps spontaneously combusted
If you see a small green glob on the floor or traces of soot, then the person has probably indeed gone poof, and you should feel free to move his former cart to the side of the aisle, for the benefit of all.

If you suspect the cart driver has simply stepped away from the vehicle for a moment, then you may want to slowly and respectfully take the liberty of 'nudging' the cart just far enough so that you may get by. I advocate a gentle approach, because chances are if you cast the other cart aside too enthusiastically, the other party will come around the corner at that precise moment and become immediately miffed at your perceived slight, though you've literally done nothing wrong. But if she rounds the corner to find you treating her cart as if it were a newborn babe and heir to the throne, she will most likely apologize profusely. This sort of good will can be a wonderful investment in retail relations, should you 'bump into' that person again in the future.

Perhaps the best piece of shopping cart advice I can give is to suggest you do your best not to be the person whose cart is in the way. Be mindful of others and your surroundings, avoid talking on the phone while shopping (your family can text you their requests if need be) and find ways to enjoy your fellow man. Happy shopping!

~Joy
your manners maven

The gloves come off

Mary looking downcast,
no doubt because she realizes she shouldn't be wearing gloves!

I was both baffled and mildly mortified by the preponderance of glove donning conducted in the hit show Downton Abbey by characters dressing for dinner ... at home!  Had everything I learned about the purpose and use of gloves as a safeguard against the outdoor elements been a sham? Had I missed some vital bit of research that explained why a woman would put on gloves to imbibe champagne or tea in her own drawing room?

It's common knowledge that the creators of the British television drama have gone to exhaustive lengths to represent the period in as historically accurate a way as possible, and a great deal of attention has been placed on properly set tables, fabrics, vocabulary and other niggling details. But the gloves issue threatened to unravel the lace doily on which my etiquette training lay.

Fortunately, the ever gracious Miss Manners came to my aid, with tongue firmly planted in cheek, as one would gleefully expect from that paragon of mannered mirth.  Here's what she has to say about the issue.

"GENTLE READER: The only place where it seems to be traditional for ladies to eat or drink with gloved hands is in costume dramas. In real life, it was always considered crude, not to mention yucky, but in every period film, television show, play and opera, it is evidently intended to add a touch of what passes for “class.” Miss Manners pities the laborers who were taxed with cleaning those gloves afterward. 

You are correct that gloves are worn during dancing, but they had to be removed before touching any refreshments. This was a good argument against drinking when dancing.
It would serve Miss Manners right if, after obeying her strict command to remove your gloves, you handed them to her. You might reasonably point out that ball dresses unaccountably lack pockets, and are cunningly constructed so that gloves placed on them when the wearer is seated slip off the lap, thus requiring the wearer’s unfortunate dinner partner to crawl under the table to fetch them. 

If you cannot cram your gloves into your tiny evening bag, where we hope there is no makeup on the loose, you must hold them with your free hand when eating or drinking while you are standing. At dinner, she suggests surreptitiously sitting on them, but please don’t tell anyone she said so."

Of course, if one's wearing opera gloves and wishes to sip champagne (or surreptitiously snatch a canapé), she can simply unbutton one glove at the mousquetaire wrist opening, free her hand from its constraints and tuck the resultant dangling, empty fingers back inside the glove sleeve, as these elegant, elongated accessories can be a nuisance to fully remove, especially when the elbows of those tugging on glove fingers are too near the eye level of those around them. Once at the dining table, the gloves come off completely.

The following 20th century list, from the booklet Gloves: Fashion and Etiquette, is by Edith Heal and was included with merchandise purchases from Hansen Gloves in the early 1960s. Its rules still stand today, especially when it comes to formal occasions:

DO

• Do wear gloves when you go shopping, visiting, driving; and for outdoor festivities such as garden parties, receptions.
• Do wear gloves as a mark of respect in a place of worship.
• Do wear gloves for formal indoor occasions: receptions, balls, and on arrival at a luncheon or dinner party.
• Do keep gloves on in a receiving line.
• Do keep gloves on while dancing at a formal party.
• Do keep gloves on at a cocktail party until the drinks and hors d’oeuvres are passed. Then turn gloves back at the wrist or remove one glove.
• Do remove gloves entirely at the dining table.
• Do remove gloves after your arrival at an informal party or luncheon, leaving them with your coat. 

DON'T

• Don’t ever appear in public without gloves.
• Don’t eat, drink, or smoke with gloves on.
• Don’t play cards with gloves on.
• Don’t apply makeup with gloves on.
• Don’t wear jewelry over gloves, with the exception of bracelets.
• Don’t make a habit of carrying your gloves ~ they should be considered an integral part of your costume.
• Don’t wear short gloves to a very gala ball, court presentation or ‘White Tie’ affair at the White House or in honor of a celebrity.

For an in-depth look at glove history, as well as a full catalogue of modern styles, visit the haute couture Gaspar Gloves site.

 

Tsk tsk, ladies!

EtiCamp - manners camp & more

AUGUST 26-28, 2015 (Wed-Fri, 10am-4pm)
EtiCamp: Social Graces, Hostess, & Hospitalitea training ($200 per day or $525 for all 3 days; can be combined with Tea Biz Bootcamp for a total of $950)
Onsite, Orange County CA

This 3-day mega-class tackles a different area of expertise in depth each day:

• Day 1 - Social etiquette for today's world from the basic to the unexpected & awkward, including manners for at home & in public, place settings, how to eat problematic foods and much more 
• Day 2 - Learn the tricks to being the hostess with the mostess, how to beautifully wrap gifts, cobble thank-you notes, receive guests, plan meals, set & decorate a table ... the list goes on 
• Day 3 - Everything you need to know about presenting a tea party at home, including skills substantially different from those needed to run a commercial tearoom. Learn hacks and how-to's that will enable you to get everything done in time and without stress

2015 Etiquette Camp Options

Aug 26 EtiCamp SOCIAL only $200.00 USD Aug 27 EtiCamp HOSTESS only $200.00 USD Aug 28 EtiCamp HOSPITALITEA only $200.00 USD Aug 26-28 3 day EtiCamp $525.00 USD Aug 23-28 Tea Biz + 3 day EtiCamp combo $950.00 USD